If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
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[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭