Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
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You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
They’re called werewolves.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings