Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
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The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
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him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Me sliding into hell like
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.