God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
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I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
This raises questions
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I gave up going to work for lent.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.