Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
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Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Animal poetry
Pot warmers of the day.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle