Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
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Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.