There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
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The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!