In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
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Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.