What’s a Messi?
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me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.