They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
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My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
It’s actually Dr. whatever