They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
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90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
The internet is magic sometimes.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.