Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
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“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert