Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
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me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017