Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
You Might Also Like
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.