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@Fred_Delicious: [Girlfriend looks at me in disgust] "Did u just propose using emojis?" ... "Technically its called a propoji, but yes" [She's already gone]
@truegritrumble: FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend? ME: She’s a real queen bee. FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure. *a faint buzzing from my pocket* ME: Dude, she’s right here.
@egg_dog: supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’