Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
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If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.