Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
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y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
is it earth
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries