Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
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My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
23. the denim jacket
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!