Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
You Might Also Like
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.