why isn’t thunder called soundning
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April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy