Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
You Might Also Like
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.