Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
You Might Also Like
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
This meal prepping shit easy
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.