Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
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Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you