Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
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Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
a public service announcement
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road