Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
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WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.