@Marcmywords2: Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart and 4 people asked me to defend them in Drug Possession Cases. Court starts Monday.

@man_spach: My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat's tail.

@Izianikapani: How did my operation go Doc? Dr ; What? Dr ; Omg I've only got half a colon?

@ComedicBust: Before you say you "value my opinion," just know if a genie granted me 3 wishes, one of them would be to star in Sister Act 3.

@sammyrhodes: Circle? Donut! Triangle? Pizza! Cylinder? Tater tot! - me teaching our 2yr old shapes