Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
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10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.