Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
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Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400