I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
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Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
My love language is hissing.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”