One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
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I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
why am I working on Labor Day
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]