* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
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2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.