There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
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Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Who.
Did.
This?
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back