Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
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*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that鈥檚 hardcore
Why would I get married when it鈥檚 a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there鈥檚 gluten in it.
I鈥檓 raising an evil genius.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you鈥檙e going through the car wash, without a car.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn鈥檛 a part of the baby making ceremony I don鈥檛 want to be a part of naming it.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 馃檨
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn鈥檛 lazy, it鈥檚 efficient
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It鈥檚 remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Yet another thing they should鈥檝e saw coming
If my neighbor doesn鈥檛 want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM