Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
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Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”