The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
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It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”