why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
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Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I feel it
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment