@lovemydogduck: Why periods? Why can't mother nature just tweet me and be like "Waddup girl. You ain't pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to you next month"
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@mjkspeaks: [hours after first date] HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy. *i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
@noog: If your kid's shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
@GashleyMadison: "For a really awkward time, call me." -me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
@madcaplaughs30: The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like "well, can't even do that right"