@lovemydogduck: Why periods? Why can't mother nature just tweet me and be like "Waddup girl. You ain't pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to you next month"
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@YourAnMoron: Judge "Why are you divorcing her?" Me "She changed the station during Bohemian Rhapsody." J "You get half her stuff." *air guitar solo*
@Ristolable: Hi, I'm a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
@SuperRandomish: [Morgan Freeman narrating my life] *extended period of silence* "What the hell am I supposed to do with this..."