Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
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After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I enjoy a good short stor
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?