Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
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starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Raisins are grape jerky.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit