Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I thought this was funny lol
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken