Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
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I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Weirdos gonna weird.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket