“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
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I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon