Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
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I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!