@theshantilly: Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me "Where the hell are you?"
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@rebrafsim: [leaving Hooters] Wife: you thought there’d be owls Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
@chuuew: 911: What's you're emergency? ME: You mean "your"? 911: OK. So..? ME: Someone's murdering me 911: You mean "murdered" ME:.. 911: [dial tone]