Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
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LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.