why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
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Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.