Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
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My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*