Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
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I’m listening
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Anyone really
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on