Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
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[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.