WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
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My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.