Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
ugh not again
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new