Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
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If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?