Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
You Might Also Like
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Breaking news:
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you